just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
