i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
