why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have feelings that need drinking.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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