The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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