You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
