What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
