theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
