my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
