Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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