someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
