i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize