I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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