two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
