I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
