Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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