were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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