well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize