Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
