My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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