does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
