If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
