I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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