Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
