I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
