I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize