you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
