Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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