not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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