So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
This is the prime rib incident all over again
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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