whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
