I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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