hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize