Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
