My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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