Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He has the fingertips of a God
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