I don't usually arrange sex via text message
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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