I will die if light touches me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He better not be in your backpack
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
