uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize