the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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