i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
