I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
