recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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