3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
