Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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