Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
