My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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