mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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