I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
