The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
