meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
