Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize