did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
