Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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