Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
