she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
