What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
