They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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