he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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