he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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