i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
