i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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