I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
