wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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