i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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