I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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