Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
one two three fourrrrnication!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
