I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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