Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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