I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How does one acquire holy water?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize