dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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