oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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