you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
