I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
