dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
3 2 1 whiskey
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
