If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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