The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
