ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
