I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize