the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
